Hello everyone! It’s been a minute since my last post and A LOT has happened. I’ll first start by sharing what’s been going on in my life as of late. I am currently in a Master of Nursing program at a prestigious university, I am out of the military and away from a shit-show of a med section, and I am finally living with the love of my life! To say that I am blessed would be an understatement. Do I still struggle with the big sad sometimes? Yes. Does my nervous system still feel like I am under attack sometimes even though nothing is going on? Also, yes. But you know what? That’s okay.

The biggest contributing factor to my newfound ability to move through these emotions is the Dual Stellate Ganglion Block that I had last summer. It is a form of the stellate ganglion block that involves injecting a local anesthetic at two levels (typically C4 and C6, one injection on each side) of the cervical sympathetic chain in the neck to reset the body’s fight-or-flight response. I was fortunate enough to be sponsored by an amazing foundation and medical center that supports members and spouses within the special operations community.

Up until the procedure, I was spiraling worse than I ever have. Remember my post How Grief Turns into Hope? Silly me for thinking that depressive episode would be the last of it. I remained on the hopeful side but the few months leading up to the block, I was feeling truly hopeless. Last year was incredibly hard on my nervous system and mental health, the environment I worked in was becoming more cancerous, and my mind was in the darkest place it has ever been. I was starting to believe the negative thoughts—that there was never going to be a way out. However, I was lucky enough to get the opportunity to participate in a Skill Bridge that removed me from my work environment. I had it in my head that not going into work would cure everything. NOPE. Turns out, it only exacerbated my symptoms—I was unable to sit with myself in my own home, and that’s when the darkness really sank in. Work provided me an escape at least; it fostered an environment where I thrived on anger and hostility. When that was gone, my body was still fighting even though I had nothing to fight against—I didn’t feel safe in my own home or my own body. My nightmares came back, I started waking up holding my breath again, my hair was falling out even more, my body and hips were always hurting. I had nowhere to run. It even got to a point where I reached out to my PCM who also knew about the sexual assault and told him my symptoms were getting bad and I needed help. I was brushed off and even gaslit (when I was voicing concerns, he just brought up things he didn’t like that I did). I shut down and didn’t think I was going to survive.

Maybe it’s just me, but I think as a leader and especially a medical provider you need to put your personal feelings aside and take action if a service member is reaching out saying they need help. It’s not a game.

During those dark times, old skeletons came up—the sexual abuse and grooming I experienced as a child. That’s something I’ve never really talked about before because it was something I’ve never really acknowledged, and my family never really did either. So, I think the sexual abuse in my childhood and adulthood just compounded and I couldn’t really handle what was going on at work as well as I could have. Or maybe I handled it just the way I was supposed to. I’m clearly still processing everything. And that’s okay too.

I’m going to be completely vulnerable with you all once again—if I didn’t have the unwavering compassion and empathy from my boyfriend, I don’t think I would be here right now. He is truly the kindest and most gentle human being I have ever met, and I have never experienced true love like this. He’s giving me the non-transactional love and unconditional acceptance I’ve needed since I was a little girl. I know in past relationships, the more insecure or unsure I was about a relationship, the more I posted about it. But our love is quiet. Calm. It’s not flashy—not represented by money or things. This relationship has been foundational for my emotional resilience, and it is where I seek refuge.

But ANYWAYS back to the dual stellate ganglion block (DSR)! For the first time in my life, I feel safe in my own body. I am present and notice everything around me. I can listen to myself; I am not afraid of my own thoughts or emotions. I am not a prisoner of my own anxiety or anger. Instead, I can recognize my emotions and sit with them. I very much still feel anger and angst (if anything I notice it more now), but I can allow myself to be angry and know that it’s okay because it won’t consume me. I can be kind to myself if I feel anxiety and know it’s just a feeling that will go away. My racing and ruminating thoughts are gone. My dark thoughts are gone. The DSR has given me something amazing—autonomy. Autonomy over myself and my reactions to things. I feel like I shook off the claws that my trauma had buried deep in me. I allow myself to move slower and relax. I allow myself to take naps just because. I allow myself to just take it easy and heal. Because I deserve all of that. I also deserve to release myself from the amount of shame I carried. I can finally forgive myself. Being able to move through these emotions and sometimes unwanted memories has been the greatest gift.

Overall, the block isn’t a magic fix, but a healing modality that allows you to handle the stress round you.

If this is something you feel like you would benefit from please PLEASE reach out to me!

That’s all I have to say about that! I’ll make another post talking about my transition out of the service, what it’s like going straight from the military into grad school, and my journey dealing with adrenal fatigue!